I’m what you might call a late bloomer. I went back to school at the age of 38 and I became aware I was a lesbian when I was 54. Opening my self to questions that would change my perspective about who I was and what my life was about. The first being … What did being a lesbian mean? How would I learn about what it meant?

****

In 2010 I heard about ‘NaNoWriMo‘ and I started to write … 30 days and 90,000 words … A ‘What if’ book. What if I had known I was a lesbian when I was 20?

Through my writing I understood the costs I’d paid for those blinders I’d worn. Blinders that created a delusion of security around me … that denied I was a lesbian … I saw opportunities lost, the lies, misconceptions, the illusions I had accepted so that I would be able to survive as a heterosexual.

I cried over lost lovers I’d never know. In silence, I raged about a biased society, parents, siblings, and life itself, for lost chances. Opportunities that would never again cross my path. Career choices I had never followed … all because the blinders I wore prevented me from seeing that I was a lesbian and in hiding my sexual orientation, blinded me from my life. Inhibiting me from expressing myself and reaching for what I wanted in life. Which in turn raised my survival fears so high I couldn’t see over the barriers even if I did see the opportunity.

In response to that knowledge, I raised my shields and charged into life.  Breaking through the barriers. I ran the gauntlets thrown at me, grasped at chances as if they would never come again.

But I was so busy grasping for the future, I blinded myself against the quiet voice within me that would have guided my choices safely, raising my awareness about myself and those around me… if only I would listen.  And in the end over extended myself.

****

This time I’m consciously changing my life. This time I am learning to listen to that quiet voice. This time I am observing the ‘Shadows’ in my life. Assessing and understanding their role and their gifts.

This time I’m consciously gathering the skills and lessons from those times of crisis and silent moments to create a new life.

And this time I won’t do it silently!

****

I’m a mother of 2 and a grandmother of 3, married twice. I read voraciously, I work out and occasionally ride my bicycle, my baked goods are the talk of the town, especially around Christmas time – butter tarts anyone? – and I live on a lovely green island in the middle of a lake.